Friday, February 08, 2008

Unpleasant

On the Newquay to Stansted flight on Wednesday evening, I had the misfortune to sit next to a couple of employees of a large American corporation whose name begins with G and ends in E with nothing in between.

Over the course of the flight, this pair found themselves to be in vigorous agreement on the following topics:

1. The proper way to refer to anti-war campaigners is 'feminazis'.

2. Dropping an atom bomb on Hiroshima was the only appropriate response to the fact that the Japanese had mercilessly killed 50,000 American soldiers on Iwo Jima. Furthermore, we (i.e. the Allies, presumably, as these young fellows were British, not American) graciously gave the Japanese ample time to reflect on the error of their ways, and only dropped a second atomic bomb when the Japanese stubbornly refused to stop killing American soldiers.

3. (My favourite) 'They' don't like having gays in the army because gays are too aggressive. Whereas straight soldiers abide by the Geneva Convention, gay soldiers do not know when to stop maiming and killing. (Using this logic, I can only deduce that the pilots of the planes who dropped the atom bombs on Japan were gay.) Furthermore, the reason that gay soldiers are so aggressive is that they are surrounded by fit young men who refuse to sleep with them.

I was quite glad when we landed fifteen minutes early.

18 comments:

BiB said...

That's why I was refused entry to the SAS. There's nothing that makes me want to kill strangers more than squaddies refusing to sleep with me.

But you can fly from Newquay to Stansted? That rivals Helsinki-Turku in the sweet-little-journey category (though of course I feminazily discourage short flights and suggest you hitch or walk next time).

patroclus said...

BiB, I should point out that I would not normally dream of taking such a short flight, carbon footprint etc., but it turned out to be the most expedient way at this time of year of getting to the south of France, where I am currently holed up.

Yes indeed, just imagine the insane murderous rampage you would have gone on had you been recruited into the SAS. The world would not have been safe.

BiB said...

Now sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I must remind you that you sold your house and squatters' rights probably went out with the perm.

james henry said...

If I had a Games Workshop figure for every time I've had to tell my friend Adam to "stop maiming and killing" I've have a 4000 point Skaven army by now.

With jezzails.

chuffy! said...

That Hiroshima plane wasn't called the Enola Gay for nothing...

(Little known fact: the Nagasaki bomber was called the Bertha Homo)

wyndham said...

I was talking to Chuck Norris the other day who told me had been working on a remake of his classic movie Delta Force. Sadly this bold re-imagining was scuppered with the death of his planned co-star John Inman.

patroclus said...

James: Do bookshops count as part of the armed forces now?

Chuffy: Argh, how did I not remember that plane was called Enola Gay? I don't deserve to have a blog, missing opportunities like that.

W: John Inman probably stabbed himself to death in a violent orgy of sexual frustration. Actually, is that what really happened? I don't remember the details.

GreatSheElephant said...

dammit, chuffy beat me to it. I knew leaving the flat for the first time in months was a mistake

Tim Footman said...

Stansted's in France? And these guys work for Gnothinge?

You never cease to amaze.

patroclus said...

GSE: What - you betrayed the blogging cause by *going out* on a Friday night instead of staying in and leaving comments? It's the start of a slippery slope towards 'real life', mark my words...

Tim: Ah, Stansted. The rustic cuisine, the ancient street markets, the shambolic hunting parties, the gingham-covered pots of jam, lazily sipping a citron pressé under the plane trees shading the seating area by the Hertz rental desk...sigh...

Fat Roland said...

He's right about the gays, you know. I once wrote 724 letters to Jude Law in one week and never got a reply. I was livid.

patroclus said...

FR: Fear not, it's a well known fact that Jude Law can neither read nor write.

james henry said...

The fact that Adam works for Waterstone's rather than in the armed forces is what make his constant maiming so damnably annoying.

Paul Pennyfeather said...

Oi- My work at mega-corp books mostly involves the maiming and harming of fellow employees- I am an auditor you know.
(to avoid confusion PP's real name is Adam)

Jayne said...

What a fun flight.

I'm quite disappointed that you didn't decide to sacrifice yourself and take the plane down (somewhere suitably uninhabited and safe with no pretty wildlife - outskirts of Basildon maybe) thus cleaning up the gene pool. Proactive Darwinism...

GreatSheElephant said...

jayne - why not central Basildon? she'd have been doing the world a service.

Jayne said...

GSE - true, true. But my auntie Pru (aka The Mad Birdwoman of Basildon) lives quite near the centre and my mum would kill me if she found out her demise was my fault...

Billy said...

I would have thought that having soldiers sleeping with each other would improve their fighting abilities.

It worked for the Spartans after all.