I always thought that listing the contents of my handbag was the lowest I could sink, in blogging terms (and yet I've managed to get away with it not once, but twice!). But earlier I had an idea for a post so awful that it makes the handbag inventories* look like the Lost Works of Aristophanes.
I debated the merits of posting or not posting, and finally justified it on the grounds that it's a bit like the artworks of Cornelia Parker, in that it's presenting fragments of ordinary things in an oblique way, so as to raise big philosophical questions about Life, Existence and The Nature of Things (yeah, look, that's my justification and I'm sticking to it).
So without further ado, I present for your edification a Topographical Gazetteer And Guide To The Scars Upon My Person:
1. Location: Top of left foot. Nature: Four small circular scars in cluster formation. Date sustained: Summer 1976. Method: Crushing of foot by falling paving slab, recklessly pushed over by younger sibling.
2. Location: Top of left foot. Nature: Large, chevron-shaped scar. Date sustained: Summer 2005. Method: Persistent and ill-advised wearing of dangerously uncomfortable flip-flops.
3. Location: Inner left ankle. Nature: Smallish round scar. Date sustained: Summer 2000. Method: Burning occasioned by garden flare knocked over by intoxicated hippy in Green Field at Glastonbury festival.
4. Location: Right knee. Nature: Classic cartoon-style cross-hatch scar. Date sustained: Summer 2004. Method: Stupidly falling over in Spencer Road, London W3, for no reason other than general lack of motor co-ordination.
5. Location: Immediately above navel. Nature: small round scar, indented. Date sustained: Summer 1997. Method: belly-button piercing (now abandoned) inspired by liberating break-up with psychopathic boyfriend.
6. Location: Left forearm. Nature: Two rather large, white linear scars. Date sustained: Summer 1993. Method: Self-mutilation with kitchen knife during period of post-degree exam stress disorder and reckless drunkenness.
7. Location: Left forearm. Nature: tiny round scar. Date sustained: Sometime during 1996 or 1997. Method: Deliberate burning by cigarette at the hands of aforementioned psychopathic boyfriend.
8. Location: Upper lip. Nature: small linear scar. Date sustained: 1978 or 1979. Method: Falling awkwardly from bicycle.
I'm not sure what any of this tells me about Life, Existence and The Nature of Things, other than that it makes me sound like a dangerous nutcase. Which possibly wasn't my intention. Oh well.
* The Handbag Inventories: Sofia Coppola's next quirky indie hit film.
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