Thursday, March 02, 2006

Worst. Post. Ever.

And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder: One of the four beasts saying: "Come and see." And I saw. And behold, a white horse.

I live in Shepherd's Bush, but I work in Chiswick. I wouldn't *live* in Chiswick, because I have that whole reverse-snobbery thing going on: I like living near broken cashpoints, crackhead-infested Co-ops and the sort of pub that, if you ever ventured inside, you would almost certainly never come out again. Interspersed with charming little pavement cafés full of middle class, Guardian-reading, left-liberal types who like living near broken cashpoints, crackhead-infested Co-ops and the sort of pub that, if you ever ventured inside, you would almost certainly never come out again.

There's a man going round, taking names. And he decides who to free, and who to blame.

I also quite like walking. In fact I'm not happy unless I walk at least three miles a day during the week, and five each on Saturdays and Sundays. Lately I've started to think of it as good training for the apocalypse, which I understand is due in 2012* - about the same time as the "London" Games and the second series of Green Wing.

Everybody won't be treated all the same. There'll be a golden ladder reaching down. When the man comes around.

So it's lucky that my cosy, centrally-heated office is almost exactly a mile and half from my cosy, centrally-heated flat. It's a great walk, and I go to work quite early, so it's also largely unimpeded by the things that irritate my fellow urban bloggers: dog-walkers, bus-stop-gatherers, mobile-phone-talkers, diminutive umbrella-wielders, expansive smokers, pimped-up double-decker buggies transporting squalling infants, and so on.

The hairs on your arm will stand up. At the terror in each sip and in each sup. For you partake of that last offered cup, Or disappear into the potter's ground. When the man comes around.

And I get to listen to my iPod as I pick my way around the patches of desiccated vomit, wind-blown sections of the Observer, used condoms and toasted focaccia crusts that litter the pavements of W12. The music means I don't really notice the walk; the other day I fell over in the road while listening to "Safe" by Canyon Country, and I scarcely noticed that I'd cut my knee, nearly been run over *and* dropped my copy of the Financial Times. That's such a great song.

Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers. One hundred million angels singing. Multitudes are marching to the big kettle drum. Voices calling, voices crying. Some are born and some are dying. It's Alpha's and Omega's Kingdom come.

But fuck me, it's cold at the moment, isn't it? And I left my gloves with some gay men on the Isle of Wight, which means the hot-cold-hot thing has wreaked merry havoc with my hands. They've gone all grey and scaly and cracked and bleeding. Which makes me think I should perhaps hold them out in front of me, arms outstretched, and teeter slowly around the place moaning and trying to bite people.

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree. The virgins are all trimming their wicks. The whirlwind is in the thorn tree. It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

Err, that's it really.

In measured hundredweight and penny pounds. When the man comes around.

I really wish I'd done the hat one now.

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts, And I looked and behold: a pale horse. And his name, that sat on him, was Death. And Hell followed with him.


* Warning: contains mild lunacy.

41 comments:

james henry said...

The sad thing is, that song's become 'you know, the one off Dawn of the Dead'.

Although I actually preferred the remake to the original!

Madness!

Thank you for explaining the zombie hands. Now if only there was a glove shop somewhere in London Village...

patroclus said...

A glove shop? This isn't Falmouth, you know. I can't even get money out of the cashpoint! I do have some hats, though. More on that story later.

james henry said...

Hurray!

occasional poster of comments said...

Thanks James, I was wondering why P was quoting Johnny Cash. Obviously it kind of went with the post-apocalyptic type vision of W12, but I was sure I was missing something.

And bigger thanks to you P. It must have hurt typing all that with zombie hands? Hope they're better soon.

Whilst waiting for answers I'd come up with a slightly more cheery scenario involving uncontrollable finger-tapping and that Cranberries song. Well, anyway, I'd despair if my hands turned out to be Cranberries fans. Which for their sakes they better not be...

*tries unsuccessfully to shake fists menacingly at own hands*

MinCat said...

oh oh oh that was such fun!

taigathefox said...

Oh, my sister-in-law lives almost in your neighbourhood.

patroclus said...

OPC: because it's highly unlikely that any of my clients are ever going to ask me to write a brochure about inventory management software in the style of the opening credits of the remake of Dawn of the Dead. Which is probably a good thing, given the awfulness of this post.

Taiga: oo, whereabouts?

taigathefox said...

You will find the answer from Superlon, some day next week.

* mumbling mysteriously *

Dave again said...

Are you sure about the apocalypse being due in 2012? I must have missed the memo from Head Office.

I've still got quite a few things I plan to do before then. Suppose I'd better get on with it.

I've got lots of pairs of gloves, but prefer to walk around with my hands in my pockets instead.

patroclus said...

Dave: absolutely certain. What could be more authoritative than this source? Aren't you feeling the Quickening? I know I am.

Or it could just be that double espresso I had earlier.

Dave again said...

Thank you for that helpful link. I see that in the next 6 years we will have gone beyond time and money. In which case I'd better cash in my savings and start to have a good time, before the concept becomes meaningless.

To think, if I hadn't read your blog today, I might have carried on being prudent.

patroclus said...

Quite right. Party on, Dave!

entropy said...

I misread James' first comment and thought "but all the words wouldn't fit with the jaunty music from Shawn of the Dead".

I'm *think* that was the tune on that advert for meaty snacks that freaked me out last night (you know, the nasty morphy teethy people, sort of Aphex Twin meets the grey tiny monsters from Galaxy Quest). It's been a while.

Tabby Rabbit said...

Wow, that's a fabulous, fabulous post. I may have to go and re-read it.

entropy said...

On a practical note, the hemp hand cream from Body Shop is seriously good for poor cracked scaly monster hands. Cool metal packaging too.

Marsha Klein said...

Tip to banish zombie hands: Lots of handcream and cotton gloves worn overnight. Thanks for the link to the 2012 site - that explains the migraines, fatigue etc. Am looking forward to the cat-like eyes though. Purrrrr!

patroclus said...

You see, that's what you don't get with the Fortean Times - a health and beauty section. In your face, Charles Fort!

surly girl said...

you left your gloves and your gay men on the isle of wight?

careless.





sorry.

Pashmina said...

I was going to recommend Neutrogena myself.

taigathefox said...

Blimey, the second series of Green Wing will be aired in 2012? That means I will see it ca 2013 and it's too late then.

Sigh. I'll just wait for the new lighter body and cat-eyes promised.

cello said...

Yep. I'm with Tabby Rabbit. Top, top post.

I think you should wander round with outstretched arms, moaning and trying to bite people anyway, hands or no hands. Just for a laugh, you know.

GreatSheElephant said...

Elizabeth Arden 8 hour cream for zombie hands

patroclus said...

I really, really hope that's what it says on the packaging.

Urban Chick said...

[off-topic]

on your recommendation, i bought a martha wainwright CD yesterday and i love it!

thank yooooooooooooooou!

Mags said...

I use Vasaline Intensive Care Hand & Nail lotion. I even have one tube at the office and another at home.

I'd heard the thing about cotton socks/gloves and incubating overnight* and tried it, using some Fairtrade Foot Lotion from LUSH and a pair of cotton trainer socks: my reptilian feet were cured overnight!

*(I may even have read about some special lotion cooking socks you can buy in that irritating "pointless rubbish crap for gym goers" in the Grauniad's Weekend magaine)

patroclus said...

UC: Excellent stuff, that Martha Wainwright album is ace. Actually you've got James to thank for the recommendation, since he introduced me to La Wainwright. She's fantastic live, too. Highly recommended.

Mags: Welcome! Rest assured I'm going to go home this evening and bury myself in an organic cotton sleeping bag full of Neutrogena, Elizabeth Arden Eight-Hour Cream and LUSH foot cream.

Actually, no, that makes me sound like that spooky monster chap from the X-Files who kept building nests out of papier-mâché in inappropriate places.

hejopicy: oo, that should *so* be a word. It's lovely.

Mags said...

Thanks, patroclus. I come via PAshmina, whose blog I wandered over to from Annie Mole's Going Underground blog...and just in time for teh zombie hands.

I currently have zombie face from it being Too Damn Cold.

patroclus said...

Oo, you have a very pretty blog. And you live in my old student stomping ground, too. How is Exeter these days? I have very fond memories of it. Most of them hazy. And I just remembered I used to do hair wraps for people on the Cathedral Green, so perhaps I am a hippy, after all.

Pashmina said...

I love it when blog circles intersect.

I nearly did an MA at Exeter, you know. Only I chickened out at the last minute (as is my wont)

Kyahgirl said...

There is nothing at all wrong with this post miss P. Very creative.
I just worry a bit about your Zombie tendencies.

occasional poster of comments said...

Yes, I enjoyed it too. Even the first time round when I hadn't read James's 'Dawn of the Dead' remake comment (I haven't seen the film). Nothing wrong at all.

The mention of diminutive umbrella-wielders didn't go unnoticed, by the way :)

patroclus said...

>>the mention of diminutive umbrella wielders didn't go unnoticed, by the way<<

Ahh, as you know, I'm so short as to be largely immune to the threat of diminutive umbrella wielders. It's lucky for the populace of W12 and W4 that I have an irrational aversion to umbrellas myself, though.

And I thoroughly recommend the Dawn of the Dead remake. It's knowing and funny and quite sweet*. All credit to LC for pretty much forcing Tabby Rabbit and me to watch it. I haven't seen the original, but it probably hasn't got such a good soundtrack.

* That's probably a bit like the time I described one of the boy Cave's songs as "nice".

patroclus said...

PS What Cranberries song?

Mags said...

Exeter is as it always is, although they have pulled down the old Princesshay arcades and are rebuilding. (see here - I must get some photos of it as it is now)

And we're getting a wagamama when the building is ready.

patroclus said...

Nice pictures - I like the ones of the Cathedral Close in the snow. I used to walk along there when I was feeling miserable, and it always used to cheer me up.

patroclus said...

>>PS What Cranberries song?<<

Doh.

occasional poster of comments said...

>>PS What Cranberries song?<<

Erm...

Zombie.

occasional poster of comments said...

Oops, sorry. What happened there?

Ah, I see, the tabbed browsing thing. I load up a bunch of sites I want to look at and slowly get around to reading them. So I was commenting on this circa 12:45pm. I got a bit distracted by lunch.

occasional poster of comments said...

Ok, you caught me out. I was writing silly comments on my new blog, not getting distracted by lunch.

I'm supposed to be getting my MA application together, but clearly I haven't got beyond the procrastination stage. Actually, that could probably be said of my life too. Ho hum.

patroclus said...

Tell me about it, OPC. I'm supposed to be writing my MA research proposal. I haven't written a single word.

What's yours in?

occasional poster of comments said...

I hesitate to answer that question now you've seen the nonsense over at Not 4'33", but... erm... I'm applying for an MA in Professional Writing at Falmouth.

Good luck with the dissertation. When does it have to be in?