Monday, August 08, 2005

Things Like That Drive Me Out Of My Mind

All this talk about the space shuttle reminds me of those conspiracy theories you periodically get about alleged hush-hush US research into interplanetary space travel (all based, of course, on the mythical B-movie space machine that crashed at Roswell in 1947).

Now I'm no expert on alien interplanetary spacecraft (which is why I spend my time writing marketing copy for software companies, rather than being a highly paid NASA technologist), but I *do* have my own theory about the mysterious cigar-shaped and saucer-shaped objects that are regularly spotted hovering in the firmament by weary (and/or drunk) airline pilots.

My theory is that these have nothing to do with space aliens or secret NASA experiments. Oh no. These are private sector UFOs. Specifically, they are instances of the Philip Morris Satellite. The function of the Philip Morris Satellite is to hover in the exosphere above ex-smokers, and beam unhelpful thoughts into their minds. And as Philip Morris Inc. is a commercial company, these unhelpful thoughts come in the form of little slogans, thus:

Cigarettes Are Your Friends

(and its more menacing variation: Cigarettes Are Your Only Friends)

You Wouldn't Desert A Friend, Would You?
If You Stop Smoking, No One Will Like You
Are You Quite Sure About This?
Soon You Will Feel Very Bored
Not Smoking Is Not Cool

And so on.

PS Can you guess which filthy, addictive habit I've forsworn today?


hen said...

The ones that always get me are:

"Go on, just have one. That is not realy smoking - just smoking one."

"What is the point living if you don't smoke."

patroclus said...

Ha, yeah - that last one gets me every time.

hen said...

Imagine if you hacked into the control centre for the UFOs. You could get up to all kinds of mischief.

patroclus said...

I thought that was my actual job...

Herge Smith said...


Surely the killer arguement for smoking is;

'Smoking is cool'.

I've never smoked, therefore I've never been cool - it MUST be the only reason.

Smat said...

can't have a word said against Philip Morris - they've paid for the (hugely expensive) yacht my parents are currently sunning themselves on.
However, I've never smoked and am incredibly cool, which blows that theory out.

cello said...

Courage, mon amie. Every time you get the urge for a fag just come and give us a little bit more joy on here. It ticks the obsessive behaviour box and the occupying your hands job. We must be able to crack the artery contricting trait if we give it a bit of thought.

Software Downloads said...

Hey, and what about this marketing copy for software companies?