Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Mindless Optimism

It's the beginning of November, my second favourite month, and following LC's exemplary, er, example, here's my list of things I intend to achieve before my least favourite month kicks in in 30 days' time:

1. Give up smoking. Again. Progress so far is good. I wrestled my own subconscious to the ground about 15 minutes ago and slapped a nicotine patch on myself while holding my own arms behind my back. No, wait, that would only work if I was Shiva. Anyway. Haven't had a craving since. You go, non-smoking Patroclus! Hopefully this attempt will prove more successful than the last half-arsed effort, which was scuppered after a mere 48 hours by the evil Wyndham.

2. Watch some fucking TV. I've had my umbilical cord into the Murdoch Empire in place for a whole month now, during which time I've watched the grand total of one pop video (Tom Vek - Nothing But Green Lights, if anyone's interested) on MTV2. Now the boy Vek may be - and indeed is - quite cute, but I'm not sure he justifies the c. £8,000 a month that Rupert is getting from me. From now on it's telly, telly, telly all the way. Oh joy.

3. Actually watch the DVDs I keep buying. Ohh, there are so many. I've got the first series of The Mighty Boosh; I've got the (most likely) one and only series of Nathan Barley, complete with wonderful gatefold cardboard cover, inside which is a lovely picture of the lovely Dan Ashcroft laughing in a lovely fashion, and a silly booklet full of nonsensical Nathanity; I've got the collectors' edition of Memento (in which the lovely Guy Pearce...no, that's enough of the hormonal outpourings now) and I've got a totally pretentious French film, which I bought when I was playing the "what's the most pretentious thing I can buy in Slough?" game. So that's quite a few long autumn evenings on the tasty wipe-clean cherry-red leather sofa for me.

4. Sort out my finances. Errr, that one doesn't involve any fun, or lovely men, or any fun with lovely men. So we'll skip merrily over that.

5. Read some improving books. Rather miraculously for someone whose attention span has dwindled to that of a gnat with ADHD, I'm currently quite enjoying reading Howard Rheingold's Smart Mobs, and there are plenty more where that came from (i.e. my groaning bookshelves). Wheee!

6. Make peace with my grandmother. Again. This has to be done before I attend her 95th birthday party (for which she has requested that we all assemble in her Highland cottage - which I accidentally bought a couple of years ago - to consume a Thai takeaway) on the 20th Dec. I've forgotten now why I fell out with her in the first place (possibly something to do with the fact that last year she inconsiderately burned my bloody house down), so it must be time to bury the hatchet, rebuild the bridges etc.

7. Resume writing my award-worthy, semi-surrealist vetcom, ably assisted by the other junior members of my family (one brother and two cousins, to be precise), with whom I had a lovely dinner last night.

8. Work harder. Hmm. Ah. Best get back to it, then.


Willie Lupin said...

I had to click the link, expecting to disagree with you. But no, Mr Vek is indeed cute. And best of all, he smokes. It almost restores one's faith in Young People.

patroclus said...

Ah, hello Willie, long time no see. But what do you mean, "expecting to disagree with you"? Are you saying I have no taste? (Although the thing I have about the slightly paunchy and pasty Julian Barratt may admittedly give that impression.)

And not only does he smoke, but he also smokes Camels, thus setting himself apart from the run-of-the-mill Malboro Light brigade (I've always wanted to say that). Next time I get the chance to see him live, I'll kidnap him for you, shall I?

pdafitif - the expression of affronted astonishment you utter when someone mugs you for your smartphone.

Wyndham said...

*Wyndham lurks on the comment-board. He lights up another run-of-the-mill cigarette and contemplates his response. Hmmm.*

belladona said...

There's nothing wrong with Julian Barratt. Though I seem to remember there were few other people who had that opinion.
Please don't acheieve your goals, because then I'll feel even more inadequate than usual, having my own (substantial) list to get through this month.

Ssatqhdc - The sneeze of the abominable snowman.

Pashmina said...

You'd better get on with that vetcom if you're expecting to watch anything half-decent on that Murdoch-enhanced telly of yours (good to hear it's now in full working order,by the way).

surly girl said...

um, what's a vetcom? is it like a sitcom but with vets? animal or vietnam?

*winces in anticipation of an explanation which will necessitate kicking oneself and hiding in the cupboard for three days*

Smat said...

I'm so glad you asked that sg becasue I was wondering myself. However, I find that if you nod knowingly, usually things becomne clear eventually, and you haven't had to make a prat of yourself first. Not that I'm calling you a prat obviously, it was a turn of phrase (she says quickly in case sg's taking-offence-o-meter is pointed Smat-wards)

cello said...

Surely ... bury ashes and rebuild walls first?

bnmtp: the state of having been pushed to the back of the Easyjet boarding queue, by dint of good manners and trying to look like you don't really care.

patroclus said...

Sorry to be obtuse - it's a sitcom about vets. And I know it's been done, but this one will be worse. Worse, I tell you.

Betty said...

I was ready to pop over here to say that I quite like Mr Vek's CD and that more importantly, he IS lip smackingly cute (kissable mouth ... glasses ...) and that at my age it would be more dignified to admit to hankering after Gorgeous George Galloway or Gorgeous George Clooney, but no. The discussion seems to have moved on to the Viet Cong, or something.

*shuffles around uncomfortably*

patroclus said...

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we can all agree:

Tom Vek: cute

The Viet Cong: not really sitcom material. Although...

Willie Lupin said...

patroclus: I said that only because experience has taught me that, contrary to popular myth, gay men and straight women often have divergent tastes in these matters.
I'd never previously heard of Mr Vek or his ouevre.
Only thing is, we'd have to both remove our glasses before what Americans call 'making out', otherwise the frames would clash together.
I'm sure there's a bad pun to be made about Camels and humping but I need another coffee first.

PS: send him by Lynx courier because I'm quite friendly with the delivery man.

Willie Lupin said...

betty: go for it. Stuff dignity. Toy boys are very fashionable I believe.
And you can pass him on to me, like you would a library book.

patroclus said...

Willie, Vek appears to be as popular with the gentlemen as he is with the ladies, if this post by Honeytom is anything to go by.

Do come back when you've refined your Camels and humping gag, I'm sure that's something we'll all be able to enjoy.

Oh god, that sounded sarcastic. It wasn't.

hen said...

Maybe one of the episodes of the vet com could be called "Viet Cong". Involving: litter tray roulette - "Meow! Meow!", a cameo Tom Vek saying "You weren't fucking there man!" and a camel with post distress disorder. A Viet cong vet com cameo camel combo if you will.

savfc: The sense of disappointment felt as the battery of your mobile runs out of juice just as you are about to happy slap someone.

belladona said...

I made a spelling mistake.
*Puts on sackcloth and ashes*.

patroclus said...

Meant to say yesterday bella, it's lovely to see you. And you're certainly not alone on the typo front; I see I've spelled Marlboro wrong up there. Tsk.

Tabby Rabbit said...

I've probably missed it in a previous post (or a really obvious link) but what's your favourite month - and why?

Willie Lupin said...

patroclus: sarcasm would have been fully justified.
In the unlikely event that I refined that gag into something half decent, I'd save it for my own blog if you don't mind.
I've already shared quality material with you today.
Because you're worth it, naturally.

patroclus said...

Tabby: October, because it's the start of the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness and la langueur monotone des sanglots longs du violon and all that jazz. Also because it's my birthday. It's all me, me, me with me.

LC said...

I've just severed my connection with the Murdoch empire and cancelled my Sky subscription. Less TV, more life!

Um... can come over and watch Futurama?

charl said...

hello patroclus!
i was just thinking the other day about how quinquireme.com was no longer and wondered if you were still blogging and now i see that i must have last looked in 2004. anyway, glad you are here and writing nicely, i shall have to read and catch up on your journeys.
all the best,

patroclus said...

Oo my good lord, it's you, charl! How fantastic to see you! Well, not see exactly, but you know what I mean. Hope you're very well and everything. Nice to see pinkbunny still upholding the Myth and Legend of John Nettles - but what happened to the blog? Do visit often - if you can put up with my feeble bleatings, that is.

Oh and I don't suppose you know what became of Chuffy! and Snark? I once had an idea that Wyndham (see above) was Chuffy!, but I don't think he is, although I've never actually asked. Wyndham, are you Chuffy!?

Wyndham said...

Sadly not. At least, not as far as I know.

Konrad said...

I'm scared of the mass of comments you get. I hope you still read my blog from time to time. Konrad

surly girl said...

my taking-offence-o-meter is firmly pointed boss-wards smat...

and thanks for clearing that up. a vietcong sitcom would be ace tho.

charl said...

ah, no, sadly i have no idea where chuffy! or snark went. i still wonder who snark was (in the sense that i seldom think about it).

i am blogging in the broadest sense of the word, but it's over at *whispers* livejournal. home of teen angst. and i don't write proper stuff anyway.

i shall indeed check back often and see how things are with you!

Urban Chick said...


live journal is the teenage equivalent of blogger?

it's good to know these things

there's so much jiggery-pokery-frippery on LJ - it's painful on the eyes and they are very mean to non-LJ commenters

whinge whinge rant rant

charl said...

to be honest, i am not sure what blogger is like as a whole, but on lj you do have to dig for the gems (although whether this is just a function of its size, i am unclear).
the eye-frippery is entirely the responsibility of the blog owner!
lj supports comments from lots of other blog site logins these days: http://openid.net/