Saturday, October 01, 2005

More Non-Stop Glamour. Or Something.

Note: some of the "facts" in this post may be spurious. Like you didn't know that already.

He may claim he's gone to St Ives to finish his novel, but I can exclusively reveal that James Henry is actually on a secret mission to West London, and will be providing live musical entertainment on Wednesday evening at the Crown & Anchor on Chiswick High Road. If I hadn't dropped my digital camera one too many times on to an unforgiving concrete surface I could provide photographic evidence of this, but as it is you'll just have to take my word for it.

Coincidentally, the Crown & Anchor was also the location of some high-level diplomatic dealings last night, when LC, our newest recruit Autoguy and I sorted out the Middle East Problem (although in fairness I should point out to the Nobel panel that my own contribution to the peace process was almost entirely limited to paying for the drinks) before sketching out an infrastructure for the fairer redistribution of wealth worldwide*. See, we're not just pretty faces in the world of high-tech copywriting.

In other news, the ever-glamorous Pashmina kindly sent me a copy of Zouk Nouvelle Vague's cover of Dead Kennedys punk classic "Too Drunk to Fuck". I was convinced that this was going to displace Lambchop's version of the Sisters of Mercy's "This Corrosion" as the Best Cover Ever, but I was oddly disappointed. Maybe it's just because it's not laidback enough, or maybe it's because it misses out this (quite charming) little stanza:

"You give me head, it makes it worse/Take out your fucking retainer, put it in your purse"

The second line of which mystified me for many years, before the advent of Friends and Frasier and their ilk taught me that "retainer" is what our American friends say for "brace", and "purse" is what they say for "handbag". But then, "Take out your fucking brace and put it in your handbag" doesn't really have quite the same snarly ring to it.

All this means that "Come Hell or High Water" by Barry Adamson may well remain my Song of the Week for an unprecedented third week, unless anyone has anything more fabulous to suggest?

Finally, it hasn't been escaping my attention that my birthday falls at the end of this coming week, and people keep asking what I'm doing to celebrate it. I did actually get invited to "hang out" with some middle-class rock stars, one of whose brother shares the same birthday, but I'm not sure that's what I should be doing at the grand old age of 35. Instead I think I'll go home, mope a bit, and read my Delia Smith book. It's about time I learned to boil an egg, after all.

* Almost forgot this snippet of conversation from last night:

AUTOGUY (who hails from LA and has only been in our fair land for a couple of months): Another thing I've noticed. You British say such disgusting things!

ME: Like what?

Pause while I brace myself for what is about to issue forth...

AUTOGUY: Like...'toilet'.


cello said...

You know, I wasn't very convinced about the St Ives story. It sounded far too much like a Famous Five escapade. Chiswisk, singing, beer are more convincingly James. Though if anyone could pull off a 21st century FF story involving pirates and circus dwarfs it would be the Blue Cat.

Betty said...

So, basically, you have got the chance to swan around like Anita Pallenberg on your birthday, and you're turning it down? I'd have a re-think about that if I was you.

Blimey, 'ow the other 'arf lives ...

lauren said...

you are of course quite welcome to come join me for birthday drinks and dinner. of course, what is perhaps more sensible, is taking a person/persons of your choosing for a night out (or letting them do the organising). it is, after all, a friday night, and i'm afraid i will not let the day be wasted on anyone's account

lauren said...

apologies for the shocking repetition there. it's been a horrible day

patroclus said...

You're right Lauren, I was, of course, just being curmudgeonly (me? never!).

So, what do you have planned for yours? Tell all!

And why a horrible day? Sorry to hear that.

lauren said...

i shall be going for drinks with friends on the friday, but they all have to be tucked up in bed at a near-normal hour so that they can work the next day, making it a case of cinderellas but with less painful shoes. and, just to extend the celebrations, there will be a meal on saturday with crazy relatives in a crazy bistro owned by crazy greeks

and a horrible day because i've had my hands in washing up water for 2 hours straight, and now they don't feel as smooth and lovely as they once did. woe is me

nibus said...

Yes, the Dead Kennedys cover is disappointing, but give their cover of 'Making Plans For Nigel' a try.

'A Forest' is mildly diverting too, but not a patch on the Creaming Jesus version.

word verification: wlvrmp - I'm waiting for wlsll, wst brmwc and sttn cldfld next

patroclus said...

Ahahahaa! - I was just thinking about the Creaming Jesus version of "A Forest" yesterday. Was going to try and download it - will look for it now. I haven't heard it for about 14 years!

patroclus said...

Not a sign of it online anywhere, booo.

But in an unexpected assault from left field (rather than Leftfield), the original Dead Kennedys version of Too Drunk to Fuck becomes my new Song of the Week!

Altogether now..."Went to a party, I danced all night, I had sixteen beers and I started up a fight..."


How old am I again?