Thursday, September 27, 2007

I'm Thinking Of Setting Up A Whole Separate M&S Blog, Actually

INT. QUINQUIREME TOWERS - EVENING

The lovely Mr BC and I are in the living room, comparing our respective diets.

Me: I have a banana every day for lunch. And I used to have M&S Fruit and Nut Selection, but they seem to have discontinued it, probably because of the grub. So now I have something called Cranberry Surprise. At least I think it's called that.

Mr BC: What's the surprise?

Me (not listening): It might be called Cranberry Explosion.

Mr BC: Yes, that would be a surprise.

Me: The thing is, though, it has a picture of the cranberries on the front, and it says 'not actual size'. But when you tip them out, it turns out they are actually that size.

Mr BC: ...

Me: And that's another thing, on the picture it says 'serving suggestion', but it's just a picture of some cranberries on a table.

Mr BC: I bought a tin of plum tomatoes once, and it had a picture on it of some plum tomatoes in a bowl, and it said 'serving suggestion'. But it was just some plum tomatoes in a bowl.

Me: M&S don't even bother with a bowl. They're just, like, 'tip them on to the table'.

Mr BC: At least they didn't suggest you just tip them on to the floor.

Me: Or into the bin.

Mr BC: They should do that. 'Serving suggestion', and a picture of some cranberries in a bin.

Me: That would be quite nihilistic.

Mr BC: Yes.

19 comments:

GreatSheElephant said...

It would also be quite surprising.

james henry said...

Especially for the cranberries, poor little buggers.

'Come on guys, let's go provide some Vitamin C!'

*tipped straight into bin*

'Oh.'

Dave said...

If you weren't listening, did Mr BC have to write that part of the post for you?

Or do you tape all your conversations, just in case they may make a good screenplay/blogpost?

Valerie said...

Consumer Reports recently published an image they found on the front of a package of lobster bisque. The photo showed a whole, intact lobster sitting on a rock in a natural setting. Underneath it, in italics, it said "Serving suggestion."

(Frantically trying to pack that bisque back into the lobster shell. Maybe if I freeze it?)

"Put it on a plate, son. You'll enjoy it more."

Billy said...

I love serving suggestions.

*runs off to see what the suggestion is on some salad dressing*

patroclus said...

Dave: That was artistic licence. In reality I hang on his every word.

Valerie: Fantastic! Quick, find a link!

Billy: I think serving suggestions deserve their own blog even more than M&S does.

llewtrah said...

Not an S&M blog?

belladona said...

I am a bit tired but I did just laugh hysterically for about five minutes (which is more than mock the week which is on the tv made me do). Thank you. Serving suggestions are almost always ridiculous.

Annie Rhiannon said...

That was hilarious, I'm lolling on my sofa.

Arabella said...

This is Mamet with some Beckett, a smidge of Pinter and a lovely bit of Les Dawson.

patroclus said...

Llewtrah: Sadly I'm the sort of buttoned-up prude for whom M&S is infinitely more interesting than S&M.

Bella/Annie: Awww. It's been making me laugh for days now too - and I actually started laughing at the till in M&S yesterday when I was buying another packet of Cranberry Surprise (actually 'Cranberry Delight'). I must have looked like an unhinged cackling loon.

Arabella: Crikey, that's the most flattering comment I've had since cello said this blog was 'almost as funny as Armando Iannucci'.

Sarah said...

I laughed when I read it yesterday. And now I've just looked to see if you've posted anything new and I've laughed again. Both genuine laughs out loud...

Tim Footman said...

Cranberries, eh? I once sent a very snotty and pedantic letter to Ocean Spray, complaining about a blurb that said the cranberries they used to make their refreshing juice product were "literally bouncing with flavour". I said that this was a sloppy use of the word 'literally'.

They wrote back and said, well, actually, we measure the quality of cranberries with a system called the Bailey Bounce and the bouncy ones do taste better, so, nerr, you're sussed, or words to that effect.

They didn't even send me a token for a free carton of juice.

patroclus said...

Sarah: Thank you, although I am now feeling a terrible pressure to make the next post funny too, when we all know it will just be the same old drivel about the Guardian, or earwigs, or my cat's increasingly desperate but ultimately futile attempts to get into the cupboard under the sink.

Tim: But they aren't bouncing when they're in the juice, are they? And does the flavour really *cause* the bounciness, or are they simply two attributes that happen to increase in direct proportion to each other? I still think you have ample grounds to claim a free carton of the stuff, and also to take the matter to a Higher Authority, namely Ben Goldacre. Plus, you might enjoy this site, if you haven't seen it already.

Tim Footman said...

Oooh... so pernickety it hurts...

devolutionary said...

I've never seen those words in that order before. Excellent.

Which is writing something.

Found your blog through a friend (Rockmother) of a friend (Cafe del Nightmare). Bizarre thing is, I might know Tim Footman.

And you.

OK, two bizarre things.

patroclus said...

Devolutionary: How intriguing! How might we all know each other?

Also, welcome!

devolutionary said...

I was a copywriter. For 18 years. Lots of London. Bit of Minneapolis.

A few weeks ago, I gave it all up to live in France. In yurts.

Betty said...

Sadly, one of the abiding memories of my break in Norfolk was a visit to Norwich M&S when the other half spent about twenty minutes mulling over which cereal to buy.

Eventual purchase: Apple And Cinnamon Flakes. M&S assured us that we'd never skip breakfast again.

We weren't guaranteed a Taste Explosion, but the words "deliciously creamy" figured in the serving suggestions ...