Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Hobbit

The lovely Mr BC and I are dining in Pizza Express in Chiswick. A young man comes in to order a takeaway, wearing jeans that are really quite daringly tight for W4. Then he goes away again. Presently:

MR BC: That was a hobbit.

ME: Hmm?

MR BC: That was Merry. Or Pippin.

ME: Oh gosh, yes, so it was! It was him out of -

MR BC: Lost.

ME: I was going to say Hetty Wainthropp Investigates.

MR BC: That's him. Dominic, er, Thing.

ME: Yes.


CUT TO:


INT. QUINQUIREME TOWERS - MORNING

MR BC and PATROCLUS in bed, drinking tea.

MR BC: ...and we saw a hobbit.

ME: Ooh yes, I'd forgotten about that! I'm going to write a blog post about it. Something about collecting the whole set, in various chain restaurants in Chiswick. I'm going to look out for Elijah Wood in Zizzi's, that sort of thing. I'm not sure I'd recognise them all, though.

MR BC: You could recognise them from the tattoos.

ME: What tattoos?

MR BC: They got tattoos at the end of The Fellowship Of The Ring.

ME: In Rivendell? I don't remember that bit.

MR BC: (pityingly) In real life. All nine of them, they got tattooed with a 9, in Elvish, when they finished filming.

ME: Nine? I was only collecting four hobbits!

MR BC: Only John Rhys-Davies, who played Gimli, didn't want a tattoo, so his stunt double got it instead. But his stunt double doesn't look anything like him, so he'd be harder to spot.

ME: This is all too difficult now. I think I'll just put up the Lord of the Rings video from Flight of the Conchords. It's funny.



20 comments:

Billy said...

I saw Gandalf in the Old Pack Horse yesterday. He looked relived when I told him Piccadilly line trains were stopping at Turnham Green.

patroclus said...

It would be nice if Gandalf could make it so that Piccadilly Line trains stop at Turnham Green all the time. But Gandalf is always so annoyingly selective about when and where he uses his magic.

Tim Footman said...

That's because he's usually pissed.

Sorry, can wizards sue for libel?

Ooh, the WV is "kidwym", which was the invisible mouselike spirit who lived in Aragorn's left sock. Probably.

chuffy! said...

I have played cards with Andy Serkis in High Road House...

patroclus said...

Tim: Gandalf wouldn't sue, he would just turn you into a kidwym.

chuffy!: Have you really? I've had breakfast with Bill Bailey in Highroad House. Well, he was at the next table. I know he isn't in Lord of the Rings, but he looks like he should be.

Arabella said...

I'm starting to think of Eric and Ernie sitting up in bed when I read your reports from the boudoir. This is a good thing, right?

Albert said...

Wasn't Bill Bailey's character in Spaced called Gandalf?

patroclus said...

Arabella: Oh christ, I'll never get that image out of my head now. Especially as, er, one of us is tall, dark and bespectacled, and the other one is small and fair.

Albert: According to IMDB, his character name is 'Bilbo Bagshot'. Crikey. Does anyone else have any Chiswick/LOTR celebrity sightings or other relevant claims to fame?

Geoff said...

Was he the one in Lost who had an indie band that probably sounded like Bush?

They got tatoosh of Elvish?

Tim Footman said...

I'm tempted to make inquiries as to the length, girth and grooming standards of Patroclus's legs, but I'd better not.

"He'll never sell any ice cream going at that speed."

Listen, pal, I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."


etc, etc, etc...

james henry said...

Looking back, I sort of sucked the fun out of that one, didn't I?

Annie said...

I did not read with due care and attention, so read your post at first thinking that he had served you pizza - what a comedown, I thought, from hanging out with beautiful Hollywood stars in New Zealand and copping off with the gorgeous one of Lost (yes really! The little English hobbit won out over the big strapping Americans! It gives you hope) to table service in a Chiswick pizza parlour.

I haven't seen the video, but heard Flight of the Conchords on the radio. 'Frodo - don't wear the ring' made me laugh a lot.

Marsha Klein said...

Aww, Tim you got there first, sort of. I was GOING to say:
"Well, at least Patroclus doesn't have short, fat, hairy legs"

My favourite bit of the story was the "Lost"/"Hetty Wainthropp" bit - because one is a strangely compelling, if somewhat impenetrable, series and the other one is "Lost"!

(Well, it made me laugh)

patroclus said...

Ah, now I've never seen Lost, so I wouldn't know about any of that.

Geoff: Yesh.

Tim: James had to explain these references to me when I got home. Sometimes I suspect there may be massive gaping lacunae in my pop-cultural knowledge.

James: I think it might be my deadpan delivery.

Annie: Watch the video, it's great. Especially the 'we'll never make it' - 'ohhh' - 'we made it' - 'hurray!' bit. And the rapping bit ('I don't rap about bitches and hos, I rap about witches and trolls'). And just all of it, really. Flight of the Conchords is ace.

Marsha: Hetty Wainthropp Investigates was a big favourite of my mum's, so I'm much more familiar with it than I am with Lost. Ditto Keeping Up Appearances, Waiting For God and Animal Cops Houston (which I could never bear to watch).

Details of the length, girth and grooming standards of my legs will remain undisclosed.

And I still want to hear about how chuffy! got to play cards with Andy Serkis in Chiswick.

Billy said...

Legolas was ordering chicken chow mein in Turnham Green Chinese yesterday.

Actually, I was going to go to Chiswick yesterday, walk around and look out for any LOTR related people and report back here. But I didn't.

chuffy! said...

It was in the downstairs bit. They have a minor-celeb and pals-of-the-management poker night every month (the latter, since you ask). It's a goldmine for people you think you recognise but aren't sure how and oh it's probably from Celebrity Masterchef or UKTV Gold repeats of Eastenders. Stalk the entrance on the first Sunday of the month and you too can chance upon a hobbit [note: haven't seen LOTR - do not know technical status of Serkis's charachter, but he *was* a magnificent Martin Hannett].

IMDb always takes a hammering when I get home from that night.

patroclus said...

Billy: Well that is just total dereliction of duty. I need reporters out there, working the beat, chasing up exclusives for Hobbits In Chiswick Monthly.

chuffy!: Hmm, this confirms my suspicion that Chiswick is creeping on to the lower rungs of celebdom. Maybe I will take up Sunday night residence in the Packhorse and Talbot (as opposed to the Old Pack Horse - pack horses are obviously popular in Chiswick, probably because of the itinerant hobbit population) with a pair of opera glasses and a notebook. Andy Serkis played Gollum, who was a hobbit before he turned bad, and therefore definitely counts.

Arabella said...

Don't worry Patroclus. After all, this is the blog what you wrote, isn't it?
Aw, I'll stop teasing. x

Sylvia said...

Does seeing Petula Clarke in the haberdashery Dept in Peter Jones count? That's as good as it gets, unless you count one of the Glenister brothers coming out of Streatham post office having paid a utility bill......

Valerie said...

That is hilarious. Love the rap sequence.

Though my favorite Lord of the Rings movie of all time is the one starring Humphrey Bogart:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YYoYzckUWaI

(also hilarious, in a different way.)

Breakfast with Bill Bailey! I'm jealous. Though I did get to see him live in Los Angeles and he was...

...also hilarious.

I can see I'm going to be annoying my coworkers all day.