Thursday, December 29, 2005


I *was* going to review the emotional rollercoaster that was 2005 in the style of the Reduced Shakespeare Company, a post which in my head took the form of a hilarious, rollicking pantomime full of dastardly villains, dei ex machina, heartache, heartbreak, dispossession, restitution and a tip-top soundtrack that was two parts doomy Americana, one part sparkly electro-pop and a topping of crunchy Elliott Smith sprinkles, but then I decided that it might all be a bit close to the mark.

So instead you get a straightforward list of my New Year’s resolutions, none of which will be kept.

1. Read the entire Baroque Cycle, in the correct sequence.

2. Never wear a skirt as short as this one again.

3. Do it. Do it. Do *it*.

4. Go to the cinema, like, *all* the time.

5. Be a bit less like that Jack Nicholson character in that film I’ve forgotten the name of.

6. Go to Africa again. Also, go to San Francisco again.

7. Realise that all the things I’m rubbish at I will always be rubbish at. Including writing this blog, skiing and making resolutions.

8. Avoid getting into any, you know, *relationships*.

9. Start drinking again.

10. Get a Mibo lampshade for my hall.

Yup, that ought to do it, unless anyone has any other suggestions*?

* An audience participation feature I’ve totally nicked from Wyndham.


Juggling Mother said...

um give up smoking again? *grin*

accept that we quite like reading your blog?

blogroll me?

decode ancient Og and be an international sensation?

I'm sure I'll think of some more when I've had a drink or two.....

Tabby Rabbit said...

>>Be a bit less like that Jack Nicholson character in that film I’ve forgotten the name of.>>

The Shining? I've seen that evil grin you have.

Do *what* exactly?

Tabby Rabbit said...

PS Hot chocolate doesn't count as 'a drink'

patroclus said...

11. Be a bit more like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

*evil grin*

Anonymous said...


patroclus said...

No, not Schmidt. The one in that film where he starts off all grumpy and misanthropic, but is then transformed into a caring, loving individual through the metamorphic power of love, or something.

Never did like that film. It's a bit like Brave New World or The Matrix - you know, things were just fine as they were, they didn't need to change.

james henry said...

The Joker? I can't remember the end, but I'm sure he looked happy.

Geoff said...

As Good As It Gets?

I know it wasn't Chinatown.

LC said...

In my experience, number nine helps tremendously with number eight. (The first number eight, about not getting into relationships - you currently have two number eights).

Do you mean Mars Attacks? He was great in that.

LC said...

Also, might I humbly suggest that you resolve to stop beating your staff quite so regularly?

patroclus said...

Ah, eight, eight, I forget what eight was for. There's only one now, thanks for that LC. Never wanted that degree anyway.

Geoff, welcome, marvellous to see you. As Good As It Gets was indeed the one I was thinking of.

I think I might style my 2006 self on Jack Nicholson's turn in the Witches of Eastwick. I haven't actually seen that film (hence resolution no. 4), so I don't quite know what that might entail. It almost certainly means I'll be beating my staff more often, though.

cello said...

We had a Jack Nicholson look-a-likey at our Christmas 'do'(don't ask)and he was amazingly convincing. Until he opened his mouth and spoke in a Welsh accent. Though there may be a Jack N film that I've missed where he plays someone Welsh.

As for resolutions I think you should finish the vetcom and restore the French ruin. Too sensible I know.

patroclus said...

Very sensible suggestions, cello, thank you. I think they're covered under resolution no. 3, which is a handy catch-all.

Funnily enough I got the vetcom out again last night. It made *me* laugh, but it might be - ahem - just slightly derivative of Black Books. Maybe I could get around this by writing in a part for a Welsh Jack Nicholson looky-likey.

ScroobiousScrivener said...

No suggestions, but if you want extra motivation for number 6, there's a handy travel guide over at the Scrivenings.

Shameless plug, there. Sorry.