Friday, October 27, 2006

Virtual Company Disappears Up Second Arse

Chris Morris couldn't have made a better job of this:

The Crayon Manifesto


My favourite bits:

"In the new marketing world, there is no precedent; there is only gut, intuition, common sense and intelligence."

"Our master is the customer; our master is the truth; our master is change. We fully intend to bias against the status quo and represent the road not taken with 110% of our minds, bodies and spirits."

"If you have new marketing blood pumping through your veins and have the kind of passion, intensity and originality that is waiting to explode upon impact, inquire within."

"All crayons will have skin in the game."

21 comments:

the whales said...

Astonishing. I can't quite believe which is more idiotic - the people who write such nonsense or the people who believe it.

Hope they don't get involved in / fuck up anything important.

Tell me it really *isn't* real.

tom l said...

wow, where do you start with something like that? we are bold and audacious and not.

"We amplify, extend and enhance relevance"

and don't

whatever

if you don't like our shape we will shift it

Wyndham said...

"We walk our talk. We expect you to judge us by the way we walk our talk and even talk our talk."

Fair enough: you, sirs, are grade-A wankers.

That's better.

Thanks for this post, P., vastly amusing.

Annie said...

Superb. My favourite bit being -

'If you can't handle the friction, passion and intensity...'

On the other hand - ' will not just be allowed to visit any blog or website, but will be encouraged to blog and podcast during office hours' - would quite like to work for them.

Anonymous said...

Superb blog-post title. I was laughing before I'd even seen the Crayon nonsense.

Must admit, though, I was quite envious of that bit about blogging/looking at websites during work time... Still, it would involve working with people who took that guff seriously. So, maybe not.

Valerie said...

Occasional poster of comments, you could blog/look at web sites while working for me; I let people watch YouTube, play SecondLife, whatever they darn well please as long as they get their work done. But these guys actually sound a little bit scary. Like, yeah, you can surf the Web at work. 'Cause once you finish your new employee training, your brains will have turned to mush and that's all you'll be good for! Muahahahaha.

Also they appear to be attempting to intimidate their customers, in the guise of flattering them. This would seem to me to be somewhat counterproductive.

Where do you find these gems, Patroclus?

Sean McManus said...

Actually, they can only mess around at work for as long as the company exists. If you're joining them, I'd consider it more of a holiday than a career if I were you.

Do we know what Chris Morris is up to nowadays? Are we sure it's not him? This release really is just so far over the top, it's very hard to believe. It's all well and good to be a far-out artistic visionary type, but even they have usually had enough dead legs in the playground to learn when to keep their ideas to themselves or at least tone them down a bit.

Anonymous said...

Best bit:
'You'll get to meet them first hand in the mating process.'

This must be a wind-up, surely.

patroclus said...

Do you think it's possible to give someone a dead leg inside Second Life?

Fans of Chris Morris's oeuvre can probably find out what he's up to now in here (but go carefully, as it's quite, er, *feisty* in there).

These crayon individuals bear all the hallmarks of people who experienced some kind of quasi-religious epiphany upon reading The Cluetrain Manifesto (probably because they haven't ever read many other books), and now feel compelled to inflict the resulting brain-fever on the world at large.

It's not enough for them to simply go quietly about their business, write blogs, make podcasts etc., like ordinary people do - instead they feel they must evangelise wildly about their every half-formed thought and action.

I could tell them to beware the consequences of premature hubris, but they probably wouldn't know what that meant.

Urban Chick said...

*rolls eyes*

unreal

are we sure this is not the fabulous mr morris? if he was capable of duping all those slebs over 'cake'...

i hope it's a spoof

Molly Bloom said...

I think Chris Morris *did* write this Patroclus.

I've just found you again Patroclus. I hope you don't mind me popping by. Your blog is always inspiring and brilliantly written.

Tim Footman said...

If I bought a crayon that had skin on it, the Crayola factory would be getting a visit from Health & Safety pretty sharpish.

BiScUiTs said...

Haha 'If you can't handle the friction, passion and intensity, we'll gladly refer you to another company.'

It must be a joke. Although these days everything is so daft it's getting hard to tell really isn't it?

BiScUiTs said...

Oh dear, 'these days'!? That just makes me sound really old.

Billy said...

I can't handle the friction, passion and intensity, will they gladly refer me to another company or will they tell me to piss off?

GreatSheElephant said...

hmm, you clearly don't spend a lot of time round ad agencies. This doesn't sound like Chris Morris, it sounds like it rings horribly true and Holtz and Jaffe at least are highly respected marketing communicators.

P, I plan to editorialise about this (not chez Elephant but for work) so will credit you for bringing this egregious 'mash up' (blargle) to my attention.

At times like this, I really wish I'd become an accountant. We're all going mad. Mad I tell you.

btw, are you active in Second Life?

patroclus said...

No, but I'm almost completely inactive in World of Warcraft. Does that count?

INSTANTANEOUS UPDATE: I am apparently completely inactive in all virtual worlds. Except this one. Up the blogosphere! And I mean that most sincerely.

No credit required, GSE - coward that I am, I don't want these people following me in here. I might wake up to find crayons under my fingernails and explosive friction pumping through 110% of my veins. Brrr.

GreatSheElephant said...

I get the horrible feeling I'm going to have to set myself up in Second Life, although what for, I can't tell you. Plus it raises all sorts of questions I don't want to even think about. Will I be female? Should I strive for glamour? If Second Life turns out like real life, should I shoot myself? Or would it be more depressing if it were better than real life?

Shiver.

patroclus said...

These are interesting philosophical questions, GSE. In my view, there's no difference between Second Life and Real Life; they're both equally real. I don't know if that makes your choices any easier.

I'm quite tempted to join SL also, but I worry I'd get totally sucked into it and never re-emerge. Plus I'm leaving on Wed for the Land of No Broadband and not returning till 2007, by which time I will be such a lame-ass curve-trailing n00b that everyone will laugh at me and point, and all cred I may have built up by having once gone on a date with a German bloke in a 2D virtual world in 1996 will be completely blown away.

Hm, what to do, what to do.

nibus said...

The closest you get to virtual worlds over here is playing Jetpac with a French keyboard.

patroclus said...

I had a go of Starquake the other day on a Java Spectrum emulator. It was almost like no time had passed since 1985 - I could almost remember the codes for the different teleport stations. Sigh.