Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Does My Bum Look Big In This?

NOTE TO DAVE: DO NOT READ THIS POST IN THE LIBRARY.

I like to think there will come a time, several months from now, when I will have stopped breast-feeding, my figure will have returned to its former, er, 'glory', and I will be able to wear proper fancy French underwear again.

In anticipation of that joyous day I have spent the last hour perusing Figleaves.com, the underwear-fancier's shangri-la, in search of impossibly beautiful lingerie.

Among all the balconettes and thongs and jacquard and guipure, my eye was caught by something I'd never heard of before. Apparently you can now buy pants that 'enhance your rear profile' with 'firm foam padding'. To be specific:


This shorty by Huit is designed to enhance your rear profile by giving you sexy feminine curves. Cut in a low rise design from opaque jersey, it has firm foam padding at the full coverage rear.

I foresee a day when we will be able to dispense with every physical attribute that Nature provided for us, and concoct ourselves completely out of collagen, bacterial toxins and foam-stuffed pants. Thus arranged, we will march on the world like an army of zombie Mr Blobbys, all padded curves and blank, expressionless faces.

Later, horrified by the continued wilful appearance of blemishes, wrinkles and folds, we will develop the Physical Airbrush (TM), a device that applies Photoshop-like manipulation to what's left of our real bodies, allowing us to strip our limbs down to sticks, remove our lower ribs and replace our skin with a kind of weird shimmering gauze.

Having thus attained the very apogee of femininity, we will collapse en masse to the ground, consumed by botulinum poisoning and too weak to stand upright.

But at least our arses will look fantastic.

17 comments:

Valerie said...

Hate to say it, but the venerable Frederick's of Hollywood was there years ago. Even in their modern, "seriously-we're-not-just-for-prostitutes-anymore" incarnation, they sport such gems as the New Foam Booty Panty, the Invisible Fanny Panty (I must say I think this one is misnamed — that's hardly invisible) and the Hollywood Liquid Lift bra. Your dream may have come true.

Not to mention I hate to think how all this would stand up to, say, a romantic candle-lit dinner. Not so romantic to have your underwear melt and get third-degree burns on your bum.

Tim Footman said...

They've had them in Japan for decades. Tired Tokyo salarymen wish to be welcomed home by perky botties.

Arabella said...

Just yesterday, during a bed-time conversation about aging I was saying to The Husband - how great it is that we (women) don't get cellulite on the face. Isn't that a boon?

Dave said...

It's OK, I've got broadband piped in to my new home now. Fell free to revert to publish as much porn and foul language and you like.

Dave said...

Although I have broadband, I am still almost blind in one eye, and apparently unable to check for typos before pressing enter.

My last comment should have said: 'Fell free to revert to publishing as much porn and foul language as you like'.

Dave said...

Feel, not fell. D'oh.

Smat said...

so if I've had a fat arse for the past several years (due mainly to sitting around eating chocolate), that makes me a trend-setter years ahead of my time, no?

patroclus said...

Valerie/Tim: Hm, I don't know if they're new in Britain or whether I've just not noticed them before. Either way, I'm quite distraught that we should even think of donning fake bottoms. Especially if the ladies we are supposed to want to emulate with our fake bottoms (celebrities, I suppose) are themselves equally fake. The Invisible Fanny Panty lives up to its name at least on this side of the Atlantic, although the alternative probably isn't something you'd choose to wear in polite company, unless you were feeling particularly saucy.

Arabella: A boon to you and me, but a terrible, awful loss of opportunity for the cosmetics/cosmetic surgery industry, the poor loves.

Dave: And here was me thinking I'd toned the blog right down since my dad started reading it.

Smat: Your arse (which is delightful and not in the least bit fat) has the advantage of being real. I fear the real arse may become an endangered species. Maybe there should be a Save The Real Arse campaign.

Boz said...

Surely just some well-applied kitchen roll will do it?

chuufy! said...

Breast-feeding damages your *arse*?

patroclus said...

Boz: That's the spirit! Awkward if it slips out, though.

Chuffy!: Blimey, I do hope not. Unless it's secondary damage from sitting around on the sofa watching all 8,000 series of Scrubs while doing it.

cello said...

Mine is the arse that all pants aspire to. I shall be collecting royalties. Actually, there's probably not enough foam in the world.

Vicus Scurra said...

I defy anyone to make clothes that make me look good. (Apart from a wooden box).

Belladona said...

So, it's thursday, where's the blue kitten then?
*waits in anticipation*
Ah, vicarious childbearing. So much easier. The glories of t' interweb mean I no longer have to go out at all, all life experiences can be eperienced from the comfort (?) of my almost-falling-apart chair (maybe I should venture to the ikea website).

Heidi said...

Oh, the fake bum.....
To your comment about watching Scrubs while breastfeeding - my shows while nursing were reruns of Dawson's Creek and Saved by the Bell. Not even remotely good shows, but that was all the TV was offering at 5am. Sadly, I began to look forward to what was happening next on these shows - shows that had been over for years. Scrubs would have been much better.
Just found your blog by the way....

La Bête said...

What do you do if you've got too much padding? I need Reducto-Pants. Someone should invent those.

Bowleserised said...

Spanks with a padded arse = the future.