Sunday, September 07, 2008

Displacement Activities

What I have done today instead of having a baby:

1) Went to Truro, had an almond pain au chocolat, lord of all the buns.

2) Discovered there is an archaeological site in Afghanistan called The Minaret of Jam.

3) Decided The Minaret of Jam would be an excellent title for a Fighting Fantasy book:

Deep in the mountains of Northern Afghanistan lies an untold wealth of treasure, sealed in a spindly tower made entirely from fruit-based preserve - or so the rumour goes. Several adventurers like yourself have set off for the Minaret of Jam in search of the fabled hoard. None has ever returned. Do you dare follow them?

Your quest is to find the treasure, hidden high in a tower of pectin, fruit and sugar, populated with a multitude of terrifying monsters. You will need courage, determination and an almost unlimited supply of toast if you are to survive all the traps and battles, and reach your goal - the jam-smeared inner sanctum of the forbidding minaret.

4) Noticed the phrase 'refresh thumbnail' on Facebook's Blog Network app.

5) Added 'refresh thumbnail' to my lexicon of Phrases That Would Have Meant Something Competely Different Twenty Years Ago.

6) Spent a long time wondering how you would go about refreshing a thumbnail.

7) Decided that dipping it in a fingerbowl of icy water and lemon wedges would be particularly expedient.

8) Entertained my friend S. for afternoon coffee and chocolate Hobnobs.

9) Cross-examined my friend S. about her new boyfriend, whom she's been seeing for eight days:

S: ...and we're going to get married and have two kids, so I'm going to have to hurry up and get divorced, and he's going to have the snip reversed...

ME: Does he have a job?

S: Not exactly, but he's designed a chandelier.

ME: Ooh, that sounds good.

S: Yes, it's made of leather and giant penises.


S: Modelled on his own, apparently.

ME: Right.

S: You know, for S&M clubs and so on.

ME: Mm.


S: He's not actually *into* S&M.

ME: Well, he sounds great.

10) Decided the penis chandelier would go really well with that vagina sofa I saw on Craigslist.

11) Had tea.


james henry said...

This is why I always hide upstairs whenever S. comes round.

Valerie said...

The pain au chocolat is an excellent way to start a day when you don't have a baby. In fact it's probably an excellent way to start any day, but I only have experience with ones in which you don't have a baby.

Come to think of it, same is true of you -- so far.

I think a butter knife and some clotted cream would be good additions to my inventory before I head off towards the Minaret of Jam!

Mm, jam.

I am eating blueberries today and knitting on Blue Kitten's sweater, instead of having a baby.

Jayne said...

Oh dear god. I'm now going to have nightmares about that vagina sofa...

spence said...

I wish I hadn't looked at that sofa.....

Annie said...

Well I love the sofa, just the thing for my new place.

Valerie, I sincerely hope that the sweater for the Blue Kitten is nothing like this one:

Valerie said...

ooh, lord no, Annie, I hope I have better taste than that!

I entirely forgot to comment about the chandelier. Though perhaps there's a reason for that.

Anonymous said...

I shall have a pain au chocolat tomorrow in pre-emptive tribute to the no-doubt to be born soon kitten.

If I was designing something with penises I wouldn't use my own. That's just asking for trouble.

Tim Footman said...

So, almond pains au chocolat are too good for S, eh? She has to make do with Hobnobs?

Today I will start looking for the Synagogue of Nutella.

Boz said...

Surely that Lexicon is a novelty Christmas stocking-filler book waiting to happen.

We were quite stay-at-home in or family, so I'm more a Church of Jaffa man, myself.

patroclus said...

James: This is probably for the best.

Valerie: And scones. Mmm, ye traditional Cornish cream tea - guaranteed to restore full strength.

Jayne/Spence: I've no objections to the sofa per se, other than that it doesn't look very comfortable. In fact it looks like it might sort of swallow you up if you weren't careful, like a scene from a David Lynch film.

Annie: See above, I fear the sofa might be a dangerous addition to your flat.

Billy: Be aware that this isn't any old pain au chocolat, this is Caffe Nero almond pain au chocolat, the King of Buns.

Tim: See above. Although it's fair to say that S. and I don't always see eye to eye on the subject of sweetmeats, as I prefer homely organic cakes made with sawdust and apple peelings, while she has a self-professed love of 'tarty' cakes with pink icing and glitter on them.

Boz: It could be if it contained more than two phrases (the other being 'can I log in as you?'). I think I ought to work a bit harder on the Lexicon. All contributions gratefully received.

Anonymous said...

so much to like in this post, i scarcely know where to start! you're clearly in creative frenzy. perhaps i could send you a knitted uterus to go with the sofa nd chandelier.

Boz said...

A knitted uterus! Amazing!! Even I could have one!

I still probably wouldn't know what to do with it, though.

Maybe I could keep my wool in it. Or loose change.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Today instead of having a baby i demanded refunds from 2 companies that have screwed me over in the course of my wedding planning and eaten a pizza.

I love the vag sofa. i want one.