'Regular' As In 'Never To Be Seen Again'

And lo! we move on to a new Regular Feature, which will undoubtedly prove to be as short-lived as most of the other Regular Features I've attempted to introduce.

This time we rummage with our bare hands in the filth and mire of my Outlook inbox to fish out a selection of Superior Quality Emails.

Considering that I currently have 4,750 emails in my inbox, it's surprising how few of them have actually made me laugh out loud*. Here are four that make the grade, not all for the same reason.

Starting with the intriguing:

One day I'm going to work out how to sing a convincing version of "Money For Nothing" in Chaucerian Middle English.

And moving on to the disconcertingly ambiguous:

Fuck butler. Get it out.

And the commendably Norf Londonesque:

I met him in the Tesco Metro around the corner buying low quality sausages. "I don't normally buy these," he says. "I'm making a TV programme about them. We should go out for drinks."

Before finishing up with the somewhat surreal:

Do not worry about your dissertation as I had an important apocalyptic dream. Everyone was wearing ragged togas, the streets were made of dust, and there were VIRUSES which meant we had to wipe everything with Johnsons baby wipes. All children spoke as though they had been badly dubbed and there was a complex black market in peach-coloured bicycle wheels with square bits of wood attached. We walked from Oxford to London and were tired so we sat in a meadow with a gospel choir and had to beat a hasty retreat, followed them to a secret chair rental depot where we bumped into R. lying next to a huge green caravan with gold handles... I could go on but think you can understand the dissertation contents pale into insignificance.

More quality emails soon! Probably.


* Admittedly, making me laugh out loud is probably not the primary objective of most - or indeed any - of my email correspondents. Which is a very great shame.