Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Blind, Seething Rage...

How does it happen that the ONE DAY that I arrive at the office feeling something approaching manic enthusiasm; the ONE DAY that I write a piece of junk mail direct mail so perfect that Sir Lancelot would have had to stand three feet away from my desk with his eyes shut and his fingers in his ears rather than be allowed to behold its jargon-laden wondrousness; the ONE DAY when I haven't smoked for...oooh, I don't know, 36 hours or something, too bloody long anyway, is the ONE DAY that I accidentally press "no" when Microsoft Word asks me if I want to save changes to this document?

Fuck it ALL*.

Oh, actually I feel a lot better now. Funny how that happens.


* Sorry Dad.

55 comments:

Wyndham said...

I've had a rotten day as well and discovered that the management fuckwits here have been lying to me. As a result, I'm in an enormously foul mood and have shot-down with maximum malice all the people who have been kindly trying to pay me compliments. People are rolling their eyes. I suspect that the no smoking/drinking marathon has something to do with my obvious over-reaction. I hate them all. Sorry.

patroclus said...

Absolutely no apology required, W. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in my UTTER SEETHING HATRED of ALL MANKIND.

Ahem.

There goes my resolution to be a bit less like that Jack Nicholson character in As Good As It Gets, eh?

Wyndham said...

ALL MANKIND! WITH A SPECIAL CONCENTRATED HATRED FOR ALL THE FUCKWITS I WORK WITH!

*wyndham, undemonstrative as ever, taps the desk as loud as he can without bothering anyone*

ScroobiousScrivener said...

I'm with you. Fuck em all. ALL! 2006 has started out with a particularly twisted sense of humour, I have to say. Is this what we can expect for the next (12 months-3 days)? Fuck it. I'm moving to 2007.

*displays reckless sense of adventure, while hinting at heretofore unsuspected time travel skillz*

Smat said...

yes, I'll go with the time travel thing, then I can have everything I want done in 2006 happen without me actually having to put any effort in at all. Brilliant.

Dave again said...

I decided to start the year in a positive frame (contrast with '03. '04, '05) and so far it's held up.

You're a wonderful person, and I'm sure everyone loves you.

*Holds up fingers in hippy peace-man way*

Pashmina said...

Oh shit. Poor you, P.

At the risk of joining the chorus, FUCKEMALL, particularly if they have *anything* to do with my ongoing housing saga (the dramatis personae of which are today's recipients of my special ire).

And remember: all these people deserve to be seethingly hated. They are, as Wyndham so eloquently puts it, fuckwits (one of my all-time favourite words, that).

patroclus said...

Oo, let's play at Our Favourite Words instead.

Mine are quinquireme and septentrional.

I'm a bit of a twat, aren't I?

Dave again said...

Would that quinquireme be from Ninevah?

patroclus said...

Inverness, actually*. But close.

* Richard Curtis romcom that was fortunately never made.

the Beep said...

Fucktards. Good word.
And ha ha, I remeber giving up. Don't worry, the pain noly lasts a while. 20 odd years bin my case. Still miss it.
And can I please go with scroobious to 2007 immediately. I've given up on 2006 which seems to me to be pretty shitty already.

the Beep said...

er, only, obviously.

patroclus said...

>>I remember giving up. Don't worry, the pain only lasts a while. 20 odd years in my case. Still miss it.<<

AAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!

Wyndham, you hold him down, and I'll punch him...

Tabby Rabbit said...

Never mind: take your mind off it all with booze, a fancy M&S microwave meal and the walking dead - and by walking dead I don't mean copywriters, I mean the type of hollow-eyed deranged beings that shuffle along and kill people from souless rage...oh.

GreatSheElephant said...

what I need to know is did you catch it from lc or did he catch it from you?

welofrpb - Radclyffe Hall goes electronic

Aginoth said...

Same old Shit just a different aroma.

Isn't work fun...not!

Pashmina said...

If it makes you feel any better, I really don't miss it at all (although getting shitfaced with you, Wyndham & Cello was the closest I came to cracking last year).

I'm also very fond of malignant.

Kyahgirl said...

*quietly sprays the room with a nicotine and ethanol tranquiling mist*

Kyahgirl said...

er, of course, that would be 'tranquilizing' mist.
You don't expect me to be able to spell do you?

patroclus said...

I quite like the sound of "tranquiling", actually. I might make it my third favourite word.

patroclus said...

I'd also like to apologise to the Beep for threatening to punch him earlier. I was going through a bad patch, you see. Or not, as I can't wear those nicotine patches any more.

Beep, I'm very sorry. Please don't go away. I won't threaten to hurt you ever again, I promise.

Oh and GSE, we IT copywriters are all cast from the same die, you know. Whatever that means.

Merkin said...

My body clock is screwed, so I've gone back to the PC to be inspired by mellifluous blog browsing of my favourite people. Having been given a list of all (but one) of the rude words that Aginoth knows on his blog, I now find that even the serene Patroclus has succumbed to New Year Rage. It's jolly SAD... (geddit?!?)

Deep breath, Miss P, keep smiling, and have a gin at 9am tomorrow. The day will seem a lot smoother.

Mwah mwah.

patroclus said...

Mmm, gin time!

Merkin said...

chin chin!

[brought to you by "bobwxvdu" - the name adopted by Robert Fooktard when he enters a civil partnership with Zolon Wxvdu from Alpha Centauri]

the Beep said...

Goodness, my spelling needs more care! Apologies.
Anyway - not going away. One of my fave blogs this one. In a funny way the fact that I still miss smoking after 20 years make sit easier to keep off it. I know that one won't kill me, but the 20 a day habit it would precipitate might. So I don't.

And we're all looking forward to the rage when it turns on smokers. It will. I await with huge interest!

ScroobiousScrivener said...

Maledictions.
Euphonious.
Twunty.

Good words all, in their individual ways.

Too bad I missed gin hour though. I shoulda got that memo.

surly girl said...

is there gin? oh good. i'm BORED of detoxing.

patroclus said...

*Patroclus breaks out the gin*

Oo, this is just like university start of term. Has anyone got a new haircut we can admire, or any sordid details of things they got up to with the boy/girl next door in the holidays?

Albert said...

BABOON

Wyndham said...

At last someone says something sensible.

cello said...

Triptych


Have you raging SAD victims not got boxes of chocs to clear up?

Anonymous said...

Discomboomerised! Ok, never been here before, found you all by accident whilst 'googling' the word quinquireme. And knowing my PC as I do...........probably never find the site again either! Quinquireme has crept into my world recently, but it all makes sense now.......it floats! By the way, I agree with all the above comments on fuckwits too. Well done all! L

Catpee said...

Oh dear. No, 2006 hasn't started well. So far this year I've been mostly miserable.

Although I am now looking forward to an M and S microwave lunch tomorrow since someone mentioned it. The thai green curry one is amazing.

patroclus said...

Well hello there, anonymous L, and welcome. There's no better word to google than "quinquireme", especially as I TOTALLY PWN the Google rankings for that particular word. Probably because it's spelled incorrectly, but we'll gloss over that...

Those of you who like to follow my emotional state minute-by-minute should be aware that today I am in an INSANELY GOOD MOOD.

Baboon and triptych are both excellent words, btw. As is yigopts, my current WV.

Pashmina said...

I'm really, really hoping that's a typo for "PAWN"...

patroclus said...

Erm....

Dave F said...

AH, you all think you're so fucking tough, but I say it every day OUT LOUD that they're all fucking incompetent and the management are useless shitheads and I only work here because I need the fucking money. I told the news editor to fuck off so many times she finally did.

'What TIT wrote this CRAP?' is my catchphrase.

I have no friends at work. And I'm happy, do you hear, happy!

I like this swearing blog.
Am I barred now?

Gosh I do feel better ...

patroclus said...

If you get barred, it'll only be because I spat a mouthful of lukewarm cranberry, raspberry and elderflower tea over my keyboard upon reading "'What TIT wrote this CRAP?' is my catchphrase". Coincidentally, it's also mine. Except for the times when the response is "er...you did."

orfvryhr: I'm thinking French goldsmiths, the Underworld, Valkyries, all kinds of baroque crap.

Dave F said...

Coffee does keyboards in immediately. I have forced the company to provide me with about three replacements so far. That will teach little men to skimp on paper towels in the toilet.

Just as well we don't share an office. We'd be done under the Terrorism Act.

patroclus said...

Dave, are you my mystery reader who works for The Lady magazine?

Even if you're not, the thought that you *might* be has caused no end of herbal tea/keyboard interface mayhem.

I may not stop laughing for some time.

Dave F said...

Hmm, thought I'd posted a reply. No, I am no lady. I work for an afternoon paper in the cool city of Cape Town. The paper isn't cool.
Used to work for a certain British quality Sunday. Still, I'm home next the pool in my seaside villa around 3 or so. So I'm not completely mad.

patroclus said...

I like the sound of an afternoon paper. Very civilised. I want it to be called The Postprandial Examiner. Is it?

LC said...

Wow! This is the most commentiest post ever. Well done P.

Urban Chick said...

i think i know who your mystery reader from the lady is, p

but i'm not telling!

bwahahahahahahaha!

surly girl said...

i forgot to share my favourite thing. it's not a word, it's a sound (bear with me).

you know on family fortunes when they do the end game and if the second person to go gives the same answer as auntie jean did in the first round? well, you know the sound they play? i LOVE that sound.

it's egg-shaped, you know.

um, just me then.

wv:yuureluub. a cry often heard in norwegian "gentlemen's* bathhouses"

* i didn't know what to do with the apostrophe in that one so i guessed. sorry pash.

patroclus said...

*patroclus prefers to nod enthusiastically and say YES, surly, you are SO RIGHT about that noise off the end game of Family Fortunes, rather than admit she doesn't have a clue what SG is talking about*

In other news, LC is right, this *is* the commentiest post ever. It appears that the only thing that gets you lot going more than the lost language of the Picts is me being in a right old strop.

Anger. It's all the rage this year, apparently.

(Oh dear.)

Juggling Mother said...

This is when I shout at my computer "I MEANT YES YOU F***ING MORON< WHY DON@T YOU DO DO WHAT I F***ING WANT" ad infinitum.

The remember that I work surrounded by innocent pre-schoolers.

Well, learn it early. Lufe sucks!

Loud, repeated strong expletatives work well.

Hope tomorrow is better.

Tabby Rabbit said...

Wow, get in line with the comments.

Agree with the noise though it also seems to invoke some sort of off-the-scale panic:

Les Dennis: 'Name a type of root vegetable'. Cousin Sue: 'Carrot'. LD: 'We've had that from your Auntie Jean, try again (complete with egg-shaped panic-invoking noise) CS: 'Er, a sofa and three dining room chairs'.

the Beep said...

memo to self: next new year post about post-quitting rage to get comments up to 50.

Ooooh. Am I number 50? I so want to be number 50. Please let me be number 50. Oh bollocks. I'm only 49.

Anyone got a fag and a light?

patroclus said...

Fifty. And that's a wrap.

(Which I've always wanted to say).

ScroobiousScrivener said...

Not quite wrapped yet, because I'm betting that the mystery paper is in fact The Cape Argus. Although the Postprandial Examiner would obviously be so much better.

neteq: failed netiquette, eg insisting on commenting after the blog hostess has attempted to draw a gracious veil over the proceedings.

Anonymous said...

Hey all, My PC found the site again.......Woohooo!. Had a wretched day really, all started out when I turned on the TV this morning, no channels at all working, tried the other TV, zip!. Fearing we may have had some kinda terroist attack, I fired up the crystal set to see if I should be heading to the bunker with my tinned food and wind up radio.... still musing the absense of TV moving pictures, I ventured into the traffic to the office, too many people about driving too slowly, so can't be a four minute warning. Arrived at the office, someones had crosswired or blown a fuse and all the wise and wonderful technological super gizmos were steadfastly refusing to talk to anyone. The coffee machine was even refusing to dispense anything except a very frothy looking lukewarm water concoction. Think I may have opted to stay in the bunker. By the way, I am only anon coz I'm not at all sure who I am. Lo

patroclus said...

Watch out for zombies, Lo, I would. They have a nasty bite, so I'm told.

Wow, this is a bit like that "New Starbucks Opens In Restroom Of Existing Starbucks" story from The Onion.

Wyndham said...

Gosh, this was a long one wasn't it? I remember contributing to this post in the early days, about three years ago.

Dave F said...

Scroobious: Well, du-uh! And now I've been outed, dammit. probably by Google, eh?