(This is a plea addressed to my female readers; the male contingent are free to go and watch Lost or something for a bit, if they prefer...)
It hasn't escaped my attention that the Christmas party season (three words guaranteed to strike dread into my sociopathic little heart if ever there were) is approaching, and I am scheduled to attend at least one merrie Dickensian ball in at least one south coast city.
Which presents me with the vexatious issue of what the hell am I supposed to wear? The world of popular fashion and I have never really seen eye to eye. This is because (for the benefit of those fortunate enough not to know me in person) I'm not your stereotypical size or shape. Heredity has seen fit to furnish me with an almost comedic lack of height - just over five feet, to be precise - and a certain skinniness of limb, counterbalanced (actually, there's not a lot of balance in it) with a fairly ample chest. Which means that not only am I officially "petite", but my bottom half is a size 8 and my top half is a size 12.
While I'm certainly not complaining about this, it does pretty much exclude me from practically every party dress available in any clothes shop in the whole of London. Also, I fucking hate party dresses, and especially anything gold, silver, black or glittery. Brrrr. So, short of having something made (not a chance - I mean, I bought my wedding dress from eBay for £29*, for God's sake) ...help... please... anyone... any suggestions? If you feel moved to include pictures, accessory ideas, mood boards etc., so much the better.
* Lest this make me sound like a total pikey, I should point out that it wasn't a proper wedding dress, it was a vintage 1950s evening gown, and it was lovely.
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I know that they've had a slating from various members and at this point I would like to state emphatically or authoritatively I am NOT a fan of theirs but T & Susannah aka, (in the words of LC )- the "vile, concieted middle-class oafs that consider themselves to be arbiters of good taste, and yet hawk cheap, shitty instant coffee" do have a
Personalised Style Rule Generator. Not that I've tried it... honest.
Sorry, got bored of Lost.
Try this.
Isn't it obvious? With your size 8 bottom and size 12 top (cow) you have to go dressed as Lara Croft.
My mother-in-law bought me Trinny and Susannah's WNTW book for my birthday one year, and I can authoritavely tell you P, wear V-necked tops - it helps to shape and define the bust area.
A size 8 bottom?! I can barely remember being a size 18 bottom - show it off girl, sqeeze into somthing tight & ideally leather/rubber. complemented with a low cut top & you'll certainly draw the male contingent of any room towards you.
Yeah, ok, i admit it, the last time I went partying for Christmas was as a teenager.....
Go vintage. Definitely vintage. :)
Excellent, so a hideous 1950s low-cut, v-necked rubber dress it is. Hmm, it's a good thing that all the blokes who'll be there are gay.
Hey Patters!
Well, um, I have no pretty pictures for you to view... But... I would suggest some kind of top with matching skirt, therefore you can buy each size to fit your slender frame... AND... Well, I know you don't like black party attire, but, in a recent scientific discovery, the, um, scientists discovered that black IS actually slimming! Not only that, but when ladies wear black, apparently, they ooze with confidence and have an air of flirtatiousness about them...
Something to think about, eh? Um, whilst you don't stand out in a darkened room full of gay men...
Lots of Luck from
Kaz x
I deliberately don't watch Lost as I missed the first few episodes and am waiting for someone to buy me the DVD for my imminent birthday. So my comment is...
Why don't they make girls clothes in odd-numbered sizes?
Merkin: because, as everyone knows, the even numbers are the "fat" numbers, and it's all part of the global fashion industry's conspiracy to make us all feel hideous and inadequate in comparison with, say, Gwyneth Paltrow or Cate Blanchett. Who probably had odd-number sized things made especially for them.
Imminent birthday, eh? When might that be?
*Perhaps* you should buy this month's Glamour . 1,568 "wow looks". Green dress page (pg 242). Avoid the yellow thing on pg 242 (will pay you £200 if you buy / wear it / give photographic evidence).
Oh. I can see from here you have already made the £1.95 investment suggested above (for the free Frost & French clutchbag, perchance?)
>>> Excellent, so a hideous 1950s low-cut, v-necked rubber dress it is.
Crikey! And you say you'll be in a certain south coast town?
Crikey. You're me, upside down. I'd go for separates with a very full skirt and a wide belt tight round your waist so you can make yourself look very Gina Lollabrigida. I think I hate you by the way - that's definitely not a look that works when you're an 8 on top
I was going to say something but got totally distracted by uglydress.com - which is currently amusing and appalling my entire office. Well, the girls anyhow...
Oh yeah - if it's formal - can't you just wear your wedding frock?
Yes, I looked at uglydress.com at 4am on a sleepless night, and it gave me waking nightmares. So a belated thanks for that, LC.
I did actually consider wearing the wedding frock, but decided against it because a) it would be too weird, and b) it's sitting all crumpled in a wardrobe in the south of France.
Top suggestions though everyone (well, nearly everyone...) - many thanks!
That's fabulous advice, thanks P! I may take in Camden Market while I'm at it - will be sure to update you on progress.
Wasn't Lost Good? ;o)
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