Sunday, January 10, 2010

Garnier's Law of Mascara Names

You may be familiar with Moore's Law, which dictates that the computing power of a single silicon chip doubles roughly every two years, as the transistors upon it get tinkier and tinier.

You may not be so familiar - mainly because I just made it up - with Garnier's Law. Garnier's Law dictates that the names given to mascara products will double in ridiculousness roughly every two years, despite the lack of any corresponding technical advance in the product itself.

Like Moore's Law, Garnier's Law has been in force for some years, such that we now find ourselves in a world where the names given to mascara have become entirely decoupled from reality.

Hence Lash Builder, a plausible name for a mascara, given that the sole function of the product is and always has been to cake your eyelashes in a manner that makes them look slightly thicker and longer, gave way in due course to Lash Architect, a ridiculous proposition when you think about it, since architects don't actually build anything but rather swank about in wenge-wood-and-opaque-glass offices wearing expensive glasses and reading back copies of Monocle magazine. A mascara does none of those things.

Rejected names for Lash Architect: Lash Brickie, Lash Structural Engineer, Lash Planning Officer.

But that was then. Today Garnier's Law has seen to it that we have entered the realm of the truly fantastical when it comes to mascara names. Only last night I was alerted to the existence of a mascara named Telescopic Explosion, which sounds more like an industrial accident than a cosmetic; the kind of thing that you might read under 'exemptions' in the small print of Sir Patrick Moore's contents insurance policy.

Rejected names for Telescopic Explosion: Optical Disaster, Lenticular Catastrophe, Oops I Dropped The Refracting Mirror.

I hardly dare let my mind dwell upon what kind of product names the future may hold in store for that same coloured goo that people have been caking on to their eyelashes for centuries. Perhaps we can look forward to sallying forth to Boots in 2019 to purchase a tube of Lashmageddon, or Thermo-Nuclear Lash Eruptor. I don't think Total Protonic Reversal strays too far from the bounds of the possible, nor Infernal Trajectory, nor Eyeschaton.

We may long for the innocent, simple days of Lash Builder when we're staring down the claggy barrel of a tube of Supermassive Interplanetary Collision Course, but in vain. Garnier's Law, like Moore's Law, is unstoppable. Don't say I didn't warn you.

23 comments:

Billy said...

So Long Lashes, Frank Lloyd Wright.

whostolemyurl said...

he he he at lashmageddon

mg said...

Garnier's Law has its corollary in the pitifully moronic world of men's toiletries. I refer, of course, to the well-known Gillette's Law, which states that men's grooming products must fall into one of three categories: Ultra, Turbo, or Mach3-TripleXL-FusionPowerPlusXtra.

chuffy! said...

The Onion has described Gillette's law thus: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

Valerie said...

You're too right. I've just bought some mascara called Super Shock (perhaps at the price?), myself. Though I have to say Telescopic Explosion takes the cake.

I don't really want my eyes to explode. Not even my lashes. Though the ability for them to shoot tiny bullets could be useful.

Christopher said...

Eyeschaton. Ho ho.

patroclus said...

Ah yes, it was that very Onion piece about the five-bladed razor, which then became reality, that I had in mind when writing this.

I have been investigating L'Oréal's webpages for Telescopic Explosion and I would like to draw your attention to the three bullet points that describe the brush that comes with it:

"The globe-shaped brush is:
- Precise
- Spherical
- Precise"

You can't put a value on copywriting like that.

Simes said...

"Lenticular Catastrophe" would be a good band name.

marshaklein said...

Civil engineering husband highly approving of statement that architects don't actually build anything.

Annie said...

too funny

Dave said...

What is mascara?

Christopher said...

Something to enhance enjoyment of rum and sodomy, Dave.

patroclus said...

Hi Dave, mascara, as this informative blog post clearly explains, is 'that...coloured goo that people have been caking on to their eyelashes for centuries'. They probably have it in Norfolk, though I can't personally attest to it.

CoatMan said...

Hilarious. I shall look forward to seeing "Oops I dropped the refracting mirror" mascara on the shelves sometime soon.

Smat said...

we saw this advert last night, and wondered what would happen if you used the vibrating wand from the other ridiculous mascara to apply this stuff. Not recommended for contact lens wearers I'd imagine

Boz said...

And there was me thinking less is more.

Tim Footman said...

...ings of ginger beer

Milly said...

Wonderful post! Made me chuckle.

rivergirlie said...

i'll see your garnier and raise you a lancome. 'genifique' - c'est geniale! c'est genetique! c'est magnifique! and all at the same time

Carmenzta said...

I just read your fascinating post and realize that I'm late but I have my additions to support Garnier's Law:

Stiletto: This is the actual and painful name of a new mascara that cakes on in a glossy and shiny manner, kind of like painting black patent leather on your eyelashes. We are assured by Drew Barrymore that this is desirable.

Latisse: Brooke Shields stars in the commercial. This product will darken, lengthen and thicken lashes. Side effects include a potential for hair growth in areas where you DON'T want lashes (like between your eyebrows) and ending up looking like Brooke Shields.

Lisa said...

lashmageddon: will *totally* happen

patent it NOW!

Anonymous said...

I like your theory regarding mascara names. I am an architect and it annoyed me greatly that I mascara was called Lash Architect when it didn't spend at least 7 years in education working towards that qualification. As for the office and working day that you describe I only wish mine was as luxurious and glamorous! Sadly Jimmy Choo has yet to work his magic on the lowly site boot!

XX the craic girl

Alexis said...

Oh, this is too funny! I really enjoyed reading the post and then all the jokes!