Last night I get a phone call from my friend S.
S: So, about the wedding. What time shall I come round and help you with your dress?
ME: I don't think I need any help with my dress. I was just planning to put it on over my head and stuff. Put my arms through the armholes and so on. I can probably do it on my own.
S: What about a bouquet?
ME: I haven't got a bouquet.
S: Do you want one?
ME: I don't think I do, thank you though.
S: What are we doing after the ceremony?
ME: We're going to have pasties on the beach.
S: Is that all?
ME: Yes. It's quite low-key.
S: What about the evening thing?
ME: There isn't an evening thing. It's just the ceremony, then pasties on the beach. That's essentially it.
S: I don't understand. What are you actually getting married for, then?
ME: Because we love each other. You know, we want to be married, we just aren't fussed about having an actual wedding.
A brief pause ensues.
S: Hmm, you know, all these years I think I've been getting it the wrong way round.
I'm not your fan.
17 hours ago